I am scared! I want to be healthy.. I want to be thinner, a healthy thin! I want it... I want it really bad (so I think), but why do I keep self sabatoshing??? What is the reason I keep making poor food choices?!? When I eat healthy, I don't feel deprived of food! I actually feel full of energy! So why then am I able to talk myself into McDonalds or pop? I literally HATE both those things morally for soo many reasons! But yet I support them... I feel like a drug addict in a way! I know better, but I can't stop!!! I need a plan, but I have made them before? What do I need to change??? I don't have a very "supportive" environment.. and it is no ones fault... I am just constantly surrounded by people making food choices, that are opposite of the ones I would like to make... But maybe this battle is this way so it helps me to find the strength to do it on my own!
I walked/ran the half marathon today and I was soo happy running it, but crossing the finish line didn't do it for me.. I felt like a faker.. I wasn't proud of myself at all.. I am ashamed because I know I can do it and I have been making TERRIBLE food choices, and have been SUPER lazy! I didn't deserve to be proud!!! I really didn't!!!
This has been a 7 year battle... when will it end! Maybe thats just it... When will I make it end!?! I just needed to get all that out... I love motivating and supporting others... why can't I do it for myself?? I want that amazing euphoric feeling I had last July/August!!
peace and love,
frazzled heen
